you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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