we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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