My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
