I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize