Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
