The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
