we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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