Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
