it was like his penis was on wheels.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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