For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
