Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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