Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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