Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Randomize
