Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
