i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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