Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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