I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
