STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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