She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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