she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
How's work?
Spinning.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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