I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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