Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Randomize
