so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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