Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize