Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
