Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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