I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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