Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
