Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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