dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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