Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
