Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
