I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
