Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I just got carded by a ten year old.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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