Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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