Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
