youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
