i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
