Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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