Umm I'm too high to move.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
