If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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