new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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