i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
