yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
