And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Randomize
