I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
