Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
