his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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