Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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