Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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