so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
