i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
