Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
