if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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