Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
