apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
