I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Green mimosas i think yes
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
