I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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