She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
That accounts for only three of the penises
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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